Salt Rock Lamps.

I chose the first thing I saw. I realize I never followed up on Boyfriend and his job change, and then [coworker / friend.] Uhm. Shout out to Briann who has questions! Thanks for thinking my life is interesting because it isn’t. This is me bitching into the void because my brain is obsessive and never stops. Briann writes, “I’ve been keeping up with the blog but is there any other updates?” (Always, Briann. Always.)

[redacted.] By the time you’re 30 you kind of are who you are. Her boyfriend was mad at me because he’s basically my best friend too and I didn’t warn him before MY boyfriend dropped the bomb that he was quitting and if MY boyfriend quits then that whole business goes under including [FRIEND’S] boyfriend’s job. Friend’s Boyfriend is not as good of a mechanic yet as my boyfriend and is getting paid under the table, and Friend’s Boyfriend doesn’t want to go back to his mom’s tag agency. However, I was asked not to say anything so I didn’t, especially because I THOUGHT Boyfriend would tell Friend’s Boyfriend. However, Boyfriend is weird about who knows what in his life especially if it came to his job. Boyfriend decided to list his demands which his boss is meeting and thus he is staying at the job.

Boyfriend has been okay. I bitched at him again basically for not spending enough time with me “I really like you, what can we do different?” Him “I really like you to, you’re fine, it’s me.” He came over Wednesday and I saw him a little yesterday at the shop and I texted him today but he hasn’t written back. I don’t know how much longer this will last because it feels like he keeps drifting away, and then I have this other guy I’ve intermittently matched with throughout the years and we both said we’ve been constants in each other’s online dating experiences but I’ve NEVER met him. Actually it’s funny because out of all my matches I’ve seen him around THE MOST. Like I’ve seen him stranded on I-44 with a dead car, or walking around Bricktown, or one time he even came into Half Price Books when I was working the register and I had no choice but to help him. When I talk to him it feels like we might as well be together and yesterday –EVEN THOUGH I CLEARLY HAVE EXPLAINED TO HIM I’M DATING SOMEBODY AND IT’S JUST ROCKY AND THIS ISN’T MY FINEST MOMENT! I guess I’m “capping” that because I feel guilty for even making an account and if I yell it loud enough the guilt will magically dissipate. Like if I emphasize the partial good I did then it makes the partial bad irrelevant. Sigh. Cognitive distortion, anyone? – he said “Why don’t you just date me?”

Why don’t I “just date him?” Because on his profile 6 years ago I distinctly remember his staunch tone when he specified he was open to “fat girls, but you have to have confidence.” Or something along those lines. It was just so entitled coming from a guy who looks like a ginger penguin. I mean we all have prefences but just…like… quietly swipe right on them instead? I’m noticing more and more how I have a super fixed paradigm though and this is one of those times. I told him now I’m fatter in person and he wouldn’t be into me and I’m okay with that (the ghost part of that sentence being as long as I have Boyfriend.) and he said he’s fatter in person too. I sent him a .gif of the Gap Girls where Chris Farley yells the iconic “LAY OFF ME I’M STARVING,” and said that’s me. It is. He said “I’d hit it.” Ew emoji. But talking to him is better. Who knows why he’s single. He said usually it’s a matter of they’re not into each other the same way or something. I don’t know, but I do feel like I’m the only one who thinks deeply about relationship dynamics.

I feel guilty for bitching at Boyfriend because like… this isn’t just MY relationship. This is his too, and I feel like I’ve been “take take take,” in ways. Our relationship isn’t the best but I don’t have to worry about being kept a secret, or being used, or being beaten, or getting cheated on, or controlling. I mean I just want him to be obsessed with me and he isn’t. Or if he is he’s doing a really good job controlling himself (LMAO). We hung out Sunday and then again on Wednesday. I haven’t heard from him today and I will try really hard not to blow up his phone since now I’m getting more comfortable.

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